I wrote an article before giving birth about the French parental style. After giving birth to my daughter, I realize now that I must clarify something in my last post about French parental styles. The French do not judge other parents, but they certainly do judge their relatives.
I do not believe in the cry-it-out method of parenting, which is popular in France. If my daughter cries, I am going to run to pick her up. I do not care if it is to be fed or if she just needs some cuddling time. Both are equally important in my eyes. I understand that there are times when she just cries and nothing can be done to calm her. But I would rather she cries in my arms than all alone. My husband received advice from his family that it is okay to let her cry. It has been hard to convince him that while that is acceptable here, I do not want to raise her this way. What his family is saying is not necessarily wrong and I am not judging them. It is just that in my heart, I cannot do it and cannot stand the thought of anyone not coming to her aid when she is crying for help or attention.
If she has gas, it does not mean she should cry that out as well. Try burping her or holding her up and down. Sometimes bopping her up and down helps her. When I had trouble burping her, no one here seemed to have advice on what to do. His mother would just hold her and walk around, but not try different positions or even try burping her. It was heartbreaking to me to stand by and watch my daughter cry uncontrollably. Now, if she is not able to console her after a few minutes, I ask for her back. That does not make her a bad grandma! After one loooooong day of not being able to console my daughter myself, I finally called my older sister in North Carolina to give me advice. I finally was able to make Juliana more comfortable and get her to calm down by burping her a different way and getting her to suck on her thumb or side of her fist.
We had a champagne toast one night to celebrate Juliana’s birth. She was three weeks old. After nursing her, I wanted a glass of champagne so I could join in the celebration. I read that one glass is okay and it takes up to 2-hours for it to leave your system. If she wants to nurse while it is still in my system, the only harm it will do is make her sleepy. As long as I am not drinking every night, it will not affect her development. My husband’s cousin felt opposite! Several times she mentioned to me how she went through her pregnancy and breastfeeding period without a single glass of alcohol. Of course, after she lectured me, she went outside for a smoke. Guess no one told her about the effects of second hand smoke with kids.
When Juliana was six weeks old, we flew to Florida to introduce her to my side of the family. My mother was shocked that no one taught us how to swaddle a baby. That would have been helpful to know because Juliana wakes herself up when her arms fling out. Also, we never used burp clothes! We did not receive any as gifts and I could not find them at stores. So I figured they were not significant. Once in a while I would throw a hand towel over my shoulder, but not consistently. My mother said that each time the baby was in my arms, I should have the cloth on my shoulder. Whoops!
I had absolutely no experience with newborns before giving birth to my little princess, so I was not aware of many things. All of what I learned was through books, phone calls to my family and advice from my husband’s family. However, I found that so far, the French style of parenting conflicted to what I felt inside was right. I am not saying that they are wrong. My husband turned out exceptionally! But I do not have the heart to listen to my daughter cry or standby by as she suffers from a gassy tummy.
I am much more “hands on” than a typical French mother. I love putting her in my Baby Bjorn or scarf carrier, and wearing her around the house. I love having her share our bed instead of placing her in a crib in a separate room (for the early months). Even though sometimes she will not stop crying unless you are walking with her in your arms, I will walk with her for as long as it takes to settle her. Because I am choosing to raise her differently than what they think is common sense, my husband did not know what to do. His family told him one thing while I told him another.
When Juliana was about 4 weeks old, we gave up listening to other people. We do what we feel is right. We listen to advice from both sides of the family but will take advice that resonates with us. Hopefully we will make it through her childhood without too much judgment from our families, otherwise, let the fun begin! I cannot wait to see what his family has to say when I continue to breastfeed after the 6 month mark… less than 1% of women here do that! Uh-ohhhhh…..
Image: I took this photo of Juliana as a fun way of illustrating she is French American. For those of you that are sensitive, I am in no way advocating giving alcohol to kids! I originally bought a baguette to use, but my husband ate it before I had the chance to use it!
Jennifer says
I stumbled across this blog while on Facebook and felt I must coment after reading this article because what you say is EXACTLY what I am going through at the moment! I gave birth to my daughter 4 months ago (I’m English, my husband is French) and got so sick of his family telling me that when Sophie cries “elle fait sa voix” and that I shouldn’t pick her up every time because she’d take advantage…erm, as if a two-week-old or even four-month old can work that out!!! I have a notoriously short fuse and told them in no uncertain terms that she was MY baby and I’d do as I saw fit, and anyway I would be the one dealing with the consequences of my “overparenting” so leave me to it! Four months on, I have the most contented, happy, easy baby imaginable – who knows if this is due to nature, nurture or both, but I completely agree with what you have said above. It’s nice to know I’m not alone! I can’t wait to read the rest of your posts now…
French Mamma says
Bonjour Jennifer, welcome to my blog! I am glad to hear you are standing up to them and that your baby is flourishing. Our daughter is also content and easy, so I will just let them complain about my parenting style – I would not risk what we have now because others are trying to scare us.
Flore says
Hello!
After reading your post I feel I should reply and tell you that all French families are not like that and although it is hard not to generalize when you’re an expatriate, I think that the “let them cry” attitude is more a generation problem in some French families than a French habit.
If it can make you feel better, it is not a parenting style proper to French people.
I am French mother of 3, including a 3 months old little princess. There is absolutely no way I would let her cry. If she starts to look like she would, I like to take her in my arms and cuddle her and so would the rest of my family, except maybe one of my grand mother’s…
My mother has taught me how to help her with her gas issues, belly time is part of our routine 🙂 and she also told me that if your baby keeps crying when it is in your arms it is not the end of the World. It is all a matter of trust, if you baby feels that you’re doing your best she will feel better even if her belly still hurts. She will feel protected. The bond you build with a baby with this trust is a great base for your future relationship.
I currently live in Australia and have been living in several countries other than France. For my 3 children (the eldest is 8) I have had people feeling entitled to give me advice…
Last night, a lady told my husband who was taking our baby daughter from her cot, “why do you take her, she hasn’t even cried!!!” I looked at my husband, and we smiled. We had this discussion before.
We wondered how on Earth people can accept to see a baby cry and feel that there is nothing to do about that.
We carry ours around in a Babyjorn if she feels unsettled, she spends a lot of time sleeping with us during her naps and nights in my arms or in her rollable cot next to our bed.
We talk to her and make her smile a lot. She is a very easy baby. I think she trusts us, she knows we won’t let her be miserable and cry.
I also work from home between 10 to 20 hours a day at the moment (it is my business high season at the moment). I have always worked with my children around and adapted my hours to their needs. I am a master at typing and nursing or rolling a cot/stroller wheel with one foot and Photoshop a picture with my hands 😉 It has always worked out quite well.
Like all my friends and cousins, mother, aunts, I have breastfed my children more than 6 months (my daughter 13 months and my son 24 months). I have never been asked by a statistic organization but from what is available (French bureau of statistics), in 2007 more than 28% of women in France have breastfed more that 6 months)
http://www.sante-jeunesse-sports.gouv.fr/IMG/pdf/seriesource-method13-2.pdf
I don’t think it is enough. It should be 80% and women should be able to nurse their babies for at least 6 months without going to work but it is not that easy…
On the burping thing 😉 In France we do have a typical burping cloth called a “couche” sounds like the French word for diaper but it is a cotton usually white piece of fabric, lightly woven and we use it to put on our shoulder or to put at the bottom of the cradle/pram/stroller or on the sofa when you put your baby on her back or tummy.
It is not in our habit to give it as a gift as it would look a bit like giving you tissues or diapers or wipes 😉 but you can buy that in any good baby store or any large supermarket or online baby stores.
I know a lot of mums in France, friends, neighbors, family, they mostly behave like I do. I’ve come across 1 couple of young parents with these strange old habits and I am sorry to say they were terribly old-fashioned…
If you ever go to more Latin countries, you will see that older people spend their time explaining how you should take care of your kids, on an hourly basis… it is very annoying to someone like me, and you, I guess but when you are born there, you expect this and you appreciate the immense help you get from family and friends.
I remember an old man in Lebanon who told me to take my baby out of the Babybjorn (baby carrier) at once! It is very dangerous he told me… you shouldn’t do that to your baby. I think you’re doing the right thing… just do it your way. The best judge is the mum! And don’t worry, there are a lot of French woman like you out there ?
Kisses and hugs to your little princess!
Flore
Jennifer says
Hi again!
It’s nice to hear a French person’s view of our dilemma! I must admit that where I live (in a small ski resort in the Alps) the locals tend to be very stuck in their ways about how to do most things, so bringing up children is probably just another one of those things. You’re absolutely right – we can’t generalise, and I’m sure there are many people in France who have less strict opinions of what to with a crying child! Who knows who is right or wrong?
I just wish sometimes that people would keep their comments to themselves because they don’t realise that they can upset us, especially first-time mothers who are constantly worried about doing the right thing. Only the other day, a tourist saw me pushing my pram and felt she had to ask me if my baby wasn’t too cold! Seeing as she was fast asleep, wrapped up in several layers, tucked inside a sleeping bag and covered in a blanket and woolly hat I said, no, she’s not! Then a local woman, also a mother, stopped her car next to me to tell me that it was dangerous taking my baby out in the pram…Fine, but what am I supposed to do – keep her indoors until the summer, when someone else will no doubt tell me it’s too hot for her to be outside? Ah, well…seems we can’t do right for doing wrong!! I do try to smile sweetly and ignore these pieces of “advice”, but it’s so hard…
I am very interested in the link you posted. I’m still breastfeeding four and a half months on and couldn’t be happier with my choice to do so. However, when we had our 3 month check-up, the doctor said I should be “topping up” with formula because Sophie had only put on 680g in six weeks. In tears, I called a midwife friend of mine who said not to worry and to continue breastfeeding alone, since adding formula would diminish my milk supply (something I was already aware of, having read up on the subject). I also spoke to a friend who breastfed and had been told the same thing by the doctor but who took no notice! So in the end I ignored the doctor’s advice and carried on breastfeeding on demand. This morning we went to see a different doctor for her 4 month check-up, who said that the 500g she’d put on was perfect and to carry on doing what I’m doing! Has anyone else had conflicting advice about breasfeeding? I’m also interested in your views on continuing breastfeeding as you start to give solids – is it just a matter of feeding as usual? Ideally I’d like to carry on for as long as my daughter wants, but I’m not sure how to go about it once she starts eating solids. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Flore says
Hello Jennifer,
Ouch! That must be hard! I hate to receive advice all the time. It’s funny how people feel entitled to tell you what to do (when often you see what they have done with their kids… the result is not always positive…)
I know how hard it is to keep your smile and ignore them. I am French remember, so I snap heheheh 😉 But it is easier when it’s your own language. I find it hard to reply when I have to do it in English.
Regarding breastfeeding, first thing, change doctor (if possible in a small town) do not hesitate to see a GP instead of a pediatrician if there is a nice one around. This guy gave you the worst advice possible.
Here is what I think, and my inspiration is there : http://www.llli.org/ (great international organization). If you read French well you can also get the book “Allaitement” by Dr Marie Thirion.
I think unless you’re very sick or have a rare genetic disease, you are totally able to feed your baby all your baby needs. There is no such thing a unique way of growing. We all have different size, heights, noses, ears, but funny enough when you’re a baby you should be identical to the curve.
Feed your baby with no stress at all, except if you’re baby looks very sick or unsettled, but there again, the best cure will be your milk not some industrial stuff.
The magic of women’s milk is that is produces on demand. The baby create its own production. The more the baby needs (if it’s too hot for example) the more he/she will drink, the less energy he/she needs the less he/she will drink. It’s pretty easy and natural.
At first your breasts do not know very well what to produce and it’s pretty painful and messy but soon after, they start to know your baby and produce exactly what is needed. All women are like that. The large amount of (older) women telling you the didn’t have enough milk are telling “porkies” 😉 if they didn’t give their babies water, flour (!) or formula they would have had enough milk. Also, no woman has ever had a glass boob, so there is no way to know if it is enough unless they weight their diapered baby before and after the feed, which is pretty barbaric and will prove only that baby drinks enough.
So don’t worry, keep trusting your good instincts, feed your baby as much as she asks for.
The WHO (World Health Organization) tells women to start solid after 6 months and never before. With my daughter I started just before the 7th month (she is a very healthy 8 year old now who likes absolutely everything about food and is not skinny and not fat :)) my son wouldn’t hear about food before the 9th month. I started to feel very guilty… he was massive, chubby, and very healthy but my Australian doc told me it was “dangerous” not to give solids, he was going to lack nutriments. I saw another doc who said it was fine. I only gave Alex solids when Mr Alex started to think it could be edible… At 9 months. He is as healthy as his sister, no allergy, no problem, he is 6 and ½ now.
I think we should do what we feel is right and what the baby wants too.. It usually is the right thing to do 😉
Keep in contact with the Leche League, they are great people, very used to bad doctors’ behaviors…
You did well, your baby is very lucky,
Have a great day!!
(it’s 2am here and I am still working with a warm baby snoring next to me on the sofa :))
Flore
Jennifer says
Thanks for your support, Flore!
Pattie says
Sorry that it sucks that bad in France 😉
Just know that French people are not all like the few ones you know. In every country, you would find not-it-all people who would try to advice you. Yes, every country, even perfect America.
I am french and to be honest I am a little pissed to read an article where we are so judged. The worst is not that you judge, but it is that it is so not true. It is like that in your family but this is not all France, and from far. The consequences of that is that you seem to present things in an extreme way. Like when you say that we let our babies cry it out, some idiots may, but most of the French people don’t, nevertheless they don’t run like nuts each time the baby is making a little sound, things don’t have to be extreme. There is a place somewhere in the middle. And, we have baby carriers, not every woman use them, but many do. And we know what to do with our babies when they are in pain etc… what is that coming from?
You say one true thing though. It is true that just like we absolutely don’t smoke during pregnancy and breastfeeding, we don’t drink at all when we breastfeed. I understand that you were mad to be judged for your glass of wine but the part I don’t really get is why you are judging her afterwards (and all French people too). You know how it feels, it is not cool.
What i would like to say is : 1) don’t put your self on the level of the idiots you can meet anywhere in the world, be better than that
2) Judging parents is the favorite hobby of millions of people across the world, so don’t give a crap. It is your girl. You know what is best for her.
Jude Day says
Hello – could you settle an argument for me please? I met a lovely french lady who told me that if you have 3 babies in France the Government will pay for a Tummy Tuck (Abdominoplasty). I thought this was lovely but my friend thinks it is rubbish – that no government would pay for cosmetic surgery? Cn anyone help settle this?
Cheers Jude